Caffeine Withdrawal Symptoms
by Darwin's Ape
Summary: Lister eats a Crème Egg. Implied naughtiness, possibly of a slashy variety if you're so inclined.


Title: Caffeine Withdrawal Symptoms 

Author: Darwin's Ape/Desire/Katy

Rating: PG-13

Category: Slashy smut – no real pairing, maybe L/R

Disclaimer: Not mine. The characters belong to Grant Naylor, the Crème Egg belongs to Cadbury's and the method of eating it belongs to Carrie. 

Summary: Lister eats a Crème Egg. 

Dedication: To two and a half of my three favourite couples: Cazflibs (whose help in the research for this piece was invaluable) and her Aeronq; Delight and her Dream; Delirium, my own beautiful, psychopathic smile. I dragoste tu. 

-

Arnold J Rimmer, Second Technician, is useless. He's stupid, not to mention devoid of talent, and has about as much aptitude for his job as your average journalist has for insightful and unbiased reporting. 

That is to say, more than the evidence suggests.   


It doesn't take much skill to make a vending machine work. Stocking Gap A with Product B and resisting the temptation to fiddle with Circuit C or Funny-twiddly-knob D requires leaps and bounds of imagination normally associated with life-forms found making their homes in decaying tangerines. A case in point: If you request chicken soup and receive a cup of warm, yellowish, chicken-flavoured water, you'll know that your vending machine has been serviced by a technician who can only really be described as average. However, if you request a venti 6-shot dry mocha with cream and vanilla and hazelnut syrup (and extra chocolate) and receive steaming hot chicken soup squirted straight at your gonads, you'll know that your vending machine has been serviced by a technician who can only really be described as Rimmer.   


Rimmer's finely honed skills are about to pay off in a big way…   


-   


Lister looked imploringly at Rimmer. "You saw me, didn't you? You must have seen me ask it for a Crunchie." He kicked the vending machine. "Smegging lump of metal! You've got it in for me, haven't you, you glorified tampon dispenser? Why do you hate me?" He paused and bent down until his eyes were level with the machine's readout. "Why?"   


"What's it meant to have done to you, Lister?" Rimmer asked, his voice implying that whatever the machine had managed was nothing compared to what Rimmer could do to him with a pair of pliers and some cheese wire if he didn't shut up in…say…twenty seconds? 

"Whatever I ask it for, it gives me a smegging Crème Egg!" Lister punctuated his complaint with kicks to the front of the machine.   


"Are you sure you didn't make a mistake?"   


Lister made no reply.   


"And now you're sulking; how incredibly mature of you. Lister, it's a machine – it doesn't make mistakes. You, on the other hand, are quite literally the stupidest human being in the universe. Lobotomised hamsters have a better grasp of machinery than you do."   


"I never wanted much from life," Lister began, making no sign that he had heard Rimmer, "just the odd beer, maybe a curry you could melt steel with… I never wanted much."

Rimmer cleared his throat. "Either you can eat the smegging chocolate, _matey_, or I will shove it so far…"

"Don't get your lightbee in a twist, smeghead – I'll take my time, thank you very much."

-

Once he had peeled back the foil, he closed his eyes. Holding the chocolate up to his nose he took a long, deep breath, savouring the aroma. His tongue darted out to moisten his lips and his eyelids fluttered in anticipation. A shiver ran down his spine and then, just for a moment, he was frozen in an ecstatic blend of want and need. 

Without opening his eyes, he ran the very tip of his tongue along the top of the egg. He let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding and then closed his lips around the shell. Lost in the moment, he bit down into the chocolate, his teeth moving slowly against the resistance. The chocolate broke away and he let the pieces slide over his tongue, stimulating every taste bud. It melted in the moist warmth of his mouth, breaking through his final defences as the creamy, viscous substance slid down his throat. 

He shuddered now, feeling it slide further into him, aware of nothing but overwhelming desire. 

His tongue reached for the top of the egg's creamy filling. With deft, certain strokes he began to lap up the white, sticky material, taking his time over each delicious morsel. As he drew his tongue back into his mouth, he could not resist a calm, blissful smile. He took another deep, intense breath, almost drowning the rush of sensations that enveloped him as he bit into the chocolate once more. This time he was a little firmer – perhaps trying to regain some semblance of control over the situation – but this only succeeded in filling his mouth with both chocolate and filling. 

The contrasting flavours, each already so exquisite, complimented and enhanced each other to such an extent that he could hardly bring himself to swallow and lose this unique, perfect essence. They flowed around his mouth, teasing and entrancing every inch of his warm cavity. With a moan that spoke of both loss and completeness, he swallowed. 

He took another pause, steadying himself against a tide of shear pleasure. He began gently lapping away at the centre of the egg, occasionally running his tongue around its smooth inner wall. It melted into his lips, causing him to shudder once more with a raw eagerness he could not imagine ever having felt before. As the last piece of chocolate disappeared into his mouth, he let out a second moan, louder and more animal than the first. His face showed pure ecstasy.

After a while, he opened his eyes. Lazily, he put one chocolate-covered finger in his mouth and licked it, swirling his tongue along its sensitive tip. As he drew it out, he let his teeth graze gently along its underside, the pleasure and pain complimenting each other in a faint echo of previous tastes and sensations. While he was placing a second finger in his mouth, Lister's eyes drifted over the bottom bunk.

"Rimmer! I know your idea of a wild night out is cataloguing the different types of chewing gum you find under a table, but don't you have anything better to do than watch me eat chocolate?"

Rimmer smirked. When it came to manipulating your shipmates' choice of chocolate, several millennia as a second technician had their advantages.

---------Fin--------- 


End file.
